To edit the climax of a narrative

Key Stage 2

English

The Man on the Moon - Narrative Writing

﻿Hello, my name is Miss Johnson and I'm going to be teaching you new English today. In today's lesson, we're going to edit the climax of our narrative on man on the moon. If you haven't watched the previous lesson, then you should stop this video and go back and watch that one. If you haven't, you need that climax in front of you that you wrote in the previous lesson, because that's what we're going to edit today. So when you're ready, let's get started. Let's start today's lesson by looking at what editing actually means and what an editor is. And then we're going to edit for punctuation only. And then we're going to edit to improve your writing. And then we're going to reflect on the unit as a whole. In the lesson today, you're going to need an exercise book or paper, a pencil or a pen. It is quite useful if you can have a different colour to the one that you wrote your initial piece in. But don't worry if you can't, you can still do the lesson. And then you also need your brains there you are going to be an editor of your own work. You're going to be a teacher marking and improving your own work. Now if you haven't got that piece of writing that you did in the last lesson, pause the video now and go and collect it. And then press play when you're ready to resume. Fantastic so now we're going to look at what an editor is. So editing is a process of making. So making basically any changes needed to improve our writing. And when you edit, you decide what will stay and what will be changed. Even really successful authors need to and want to edit their work. So the best authors all have an editor that looks at their work and make suggestions as to how they can improve it. It's very difficult when you're doing a piece of writing to get it perfect the first time. Sometimes you need somebody else's view on it, because you're so absorbed in the writing that you miss things sometimes. So it's really helpful to have someone else read our work. Some people find it a bit difficult when someone gives you edits and improvements to make because I see it as like a criticism of the work. It's not it's constructive. And you should always remember that you're looking at the work to improve it. And if you can improve it, and that's fantastic to take it positively, I edit my work all the time. So you are going through the editor today. So an editor goes through a writer's way to check for both mistakes and perhaps punctuation that's wrong, as well as any improvements that can be made. So how can I change this word so it's more effective? Could I add in a phrase so it's more effective? Could I change the ending can improve the ending? Today, you're going to edit your own work. Okay, you're going to be the teacher of your own work. We're going to start by checking it for punctuation. I'm going to do the same to my piece of writing. And then you can do the same to yours one instruction to so you're going to help me first of all, I'm going to reverse the roles you are now the teacher. As I was going back through my work, I noticed a few mistakes. I wonder if you can spot them as well. So I'm going to read you first of all my piece of writing. There are six mistakes in this piece of writing. You might spot them as I read to you, or you can pause the video afterwards and go back and hunt for them. Are you ready? Lily joyfully skipped downstairs and looked around so this is the climax of Malibu. She couldn't believe her eyes when she saw the bouldering presence under the twinkling tree. The Sound of Music fill the room and the most delicious smells wafted out from the kitchen. A smile spread across her face because she was excited. As Lily opened the glossy red paper of her present. She wondered if her present had reached him. Did you spot any? Well, in case you didn't, I'd like you to pause the video now. Check you spotted all six and get ready to tell me in a minute. Press play when you're ready to resume. Excellent work well done. Let's see how you got on. So I'm sure you spotted that first one my capital letter for my pronoun Lily. This is a really silly mistake of me. But sometimes it happens when we write because we're so distracted by what we're trying. We're trying to do in our writing. So the next punctuation error I made is I forgot my apostrophe this is a class to contract apostrophe have collapsed out a letter. So I have to use an apostrophe there to mark its position. The word should be could not. So the O is missing so the apostrophe goes between the N and the T good spot. She couldn't believe her eyes when she saw the boundering presents under the tree I was happy with that. Oh no, I made another really silly error. I forgot my capital letter at the beginning of a sentence what a silly mistake. And to make things worse, I put a comma before and in my compound sentence. The Sound of Music for the room and the most delicious smells wafted out from the kitchen and is the only coordinating conjunction that doesn't need a comma before it so I don't need that one easy to do because I thought I did a smile spread across her face because she was excited that was fine as any open the glossy red paper why is ever commoner? Oh, that's because it's an expanded noun phrase. So I've got idea two separated by a comma describing the noun. And then as another comma as the open the glossy red paper for present, she wanted her present had reached him. Oh, that's because this is a complex sentence and the comma here marks a subordinate clause meeting the main clause. Thank you well done. You spotted all the areas in my work. Let's see, can you spot six more mistakes I'm going to read to you first of all, and I'm going to ask you to pause the video to spot them. Meanwhile, way up in the sky there glum, solitary man slumped on his bench and thought about all the excitement that was happening miles below him. All of a sudden he saw something. It was something very bright, something very bright and very beautiful. He squinted his eyes to focus, then a vibrant magical gift glided over towards him. It took his breath away and his face lit up in joy. Could this really be for him? Does somebody know he was there? Does somebody finally care about him? Okay, did you spot any as we read through that I did. So can you pause the video and spot more six mistakes and press play when you found them all. Got them all let's check together. So meanwhile way up in the sky the glum solitary. Ah, this is my expanded noun phrase again, two adjectives separated by a comma describing the noun. So I need a comma there. Then I've got one after all of a sudden, that is a time phrase, so I needed my comma after it. Something very bright and very beautiful. Oh dear. I've made another silly mistake. And I forgot to put the capital letter for S. I must always have a capital letter there. He squinted his eyes to focus than a vibrant magical gift. All this was correct. What else have I missed? Three question marks I missed all. My question is could this really be for him? Question mark. Does somebody know he was there? Question mark. Does somebody finally care about him? Question mark. They are all questions because they all require an answer. So I must use my question marks very easy to forget that well done. Thank you for helping me spot those mistakes. Now it's your turn, I would like you to pause the video and check your own punctuation. Imagine it's my work and you're trying to catch me out again, pause the video, spot them all and press play when you're ready to resume. Well done, how many mistakes did you find? Fantastic, you might have found none. That would be amazing. If you had no mistakes. Often, we always all have one mistake, at least, I had not more than that. So if you did, too, that's absolutely fine. Now we're going to do a different type of editing. This time, we're now going to edit to improve our writing. And to do that, we're going to remind ourselves of the success criteria that we had when we did this piece of writing. We had to use ambitious vocabulary in our work, and that made sure that all the language we were choosing was as effective as it could be. We had to show how the characters were feeling in the narrative. And making sure we're not telling the reader she was sad, but we were showing the reader how they were feeling and then we also to use a range of sentence types, we use the simple sentence as one main clause in it. We use compound sentences, two main clauses joined with a coordinating conjunction, and these help to add ideas together. And then we also use a complex sentence with a subordinate clause and a main clause joined by subordinating conjunction helping to expand our ideas. So let's have a go let's focus on that first objective, which was to use ambitious vocabulary. I would like you to improve your writing. So here is my Lily saw the big presence under the tree. Can you improve the word big? Because I think I can do better than that, don't you? I think I can prove the word big. So pause the video here. Can you think of a different way to describe the present and press play when you're ready to resume? Well done let's see. I went with bulging, Lily saw the bulging presents under the tree here is a picture of a Mrs. Wordsmith or someone's eyes bulging. So you can imagine if a president was bulging you would almost be bursting. And so I think this is a really nice way to describe that. There was so many under the tree the tree was busting with presents. Which way did you pick out? Good effort well done. There's many it could have been. This is just one example. Now I'd like you to pause the video and have a go at improving your own recovery. Can you choose one word to improve if you can pick more than that, that's fantastic, but a minimum of one word to improve and then press play when you're ready to resume. Well done. Now we're going to have a go showing how the characters are feelings how can we improve how we've shown how the characters are feeling. I said Lily was happy. But I think I can do better than that because I think I can add in the show not tell. I think I can show by describing what her body language was doing. So can you pause the video and show me how you know someone is happy and press play when you're ready to resume. Well done let's see, her face beamed with excitement that's showing me rather than telling me that she is happy, so it's really effective and it adds more detail to my work well done. Now, again, you're going to pause the video and I do one example of show not tell to have you perhaps not shown how the characters are feeling. So where could you describe their body language to show the reader how the characters are feeling and then press play when you're ready to resume. Well done. Okay, last thing we need to do is to add in a range of sentence types. So I'm going to read you now, my sentence my section of my writing, and I'm going to try and add in a compound sentence. A compound sentence is two main clauses joined together by a coordinating conjunction, but the idea is must be linked. He squinted his eyes to focus. He stood up and tried a closer look then a vibrant magical gift glided over towards him. It took his breath away, his face lit up in joy. Pause the video here, where can I add a compound sentence and press play when you know. Well done so here is where I think I could add one you might have a slightly different one to me, and that's fine. I think I can say it took his breath away and his face lit up in joy. I think joining those two ideas together those two show not tells really worked and that might compound sentence and is really effective. Okay, now I'm going to try and add in a complex sentence a complex sentence is a main clause and a subordinate clause joined together by a subordinating conjunction. We use these to add detail. So we might want to use subordinating conjunctions such as, as when because so a smile spread across her face because She was excited. That's a complex sentence already. I think I could have another one in this so Lily opened the glossy red paper of her present, she wondered if her present had reached him. Now I think it would be nice to join those two ideas together, there's two main clauses together, because they're closely linked and they add detail to each other to pause the video here and turn those last two sentences into one complex sentence and press play when you're ready to resume. Excellent work. So I've added in as to show this is happening at the same time. As Lily opened the glossy red paper of her present coma, she wondered if her present had reached him. And using that comma there really helps to show that these actions are happening at the same time and using that complex sentence helps to show that these actions are happening at the same time. The comma is marking the subordinate clause from the main clause. So I think it's a really effective way of adding in a complex sentence. Guess what now you going to pause the video and check your writing to see if you've got a range of sentence types. Can you change one sentence type to make it more ambitious, and then press play when you're ready to resume. Fantastic you've been an excellent editor today, you should be really proud of yourself. Before we finish this is our last lesson in the unit on man on the moon. And this clip this John has always really makes me think carefully about those around me. And I wondered I thought that Lily has been so kind and generous to the old man. She noticed that he was lonely and even though she was really happy, and surrounded by all of her family, she thought about somebody else. I think that's such a nice message in this clip. So is there someone now you could do a kind act for someone close by perhaps someone who's feeling a bit lonely at the moment? Is this something you could do to help them and can you just pause the video now and have a think about what that might be? Well done. I hope you can go and actually do the action but please check with someone that you can first. So you have completed your lesson today. Fantastic if you would like to share your work, you can share it with your parent or carer all the writing that you've been doing recently. It'd be lovely for you to be able to share that to someone. So congratulations you've worked so hard today. I'm so impressed with your editing skills, and I hope you take care the rest of the day.

To edit the climax of a narrative

To edit the climax of a narrative

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UnitEnglish / The Man on the Moon - Narrative Writing

English